"I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for making it this far, considering where you come from."
Why I have the need to rant so often these days, I’m not so sure. But as I think more and more about where my life is headed and thinking about my timeline realistically, I feel like I’m going through a quarter-life crisis.
Is medical school really worth it?
i’ve been sacrificing my time in studies a lot. i didn’t want this quarter to be this way.
i’m either doing VPR stuff or spending time with the bf. lately it seems like if i don’t see him within 24 hours we start having issues.
i honestly hate going over to his place sometimes. not because i don’t like spending time with him but because 1. i don’t have the time to, and 2. i never get shit done cus i always ktfo there and hence nothing gets done.
i also keep hurting him and offending him with my words.
lately i just feel like .. shit i need to see and talk to other people. but oh wait, i stopped talking to other people. i don’t talk to anyone else lately except for my bf. also doesn’t help that my touch screen on my phone is dead and i can’t text anyone.
my pledge class isn’t bonding either. too many guys. 11 boys, 3 girls. one boy depledged, which is too bad really since i liked that boy and i saw potential in him. i hear another girl is going to depledge. guess she can’t handle.
sometimes i wonder if what i say to this class is even getting to them at all. are they really getting what our program is all about?
active turnout is shittier than ever. “oh airi, you’ll be so awesome as vpr!” lovely support i received from many actives when i ran for this position. yet now everyone has disappeared because “they’re starting upperdivs and are getting busy”. bullfuckingshit. i still came out to everything and made it work. dumbshits.
i just feel like i’m failing at everything in life right now. my job as vpr, my relationships, and of course my academics. you know, the usual.
i feel like i’m losing sight of my premed path too. it’s getting a bit harder since .. he’s almost positive he’s not premed anymore. if we’re already having issues with me being busy .. how is this going to work in the future?
p.s. here am in study hours typing this thing in the biomed library when i tell my class they should firmly be studying and using their laptop only if it’s a dire necessity. i exemplify such a perfect example. <sarcasm>
that makes me sit here and just .. think. More often than usual.
What do i think about? The most random things, actually.
the future, mcat, premed, phide, vpr, applications, programs, friends, driving, study places, music, instruments, books, prayer, faith, fashion, shopping, money, decisions, parents .. along with any combination of anything I’ve listed and not listed. I have a tendency to let my mind wander as I continue to daydream and wish .. to be anywhere but here and to be anyone else but me.
I can sit here for hours on end, doing nothing but thinking. In fact, I’ve found myself doing just that almost everyday. I do this when I’m at school too. I don’t think I’ve gone a single day without letting my mind wander - thinking how I can recreate myself to be anyone else but me, and thinking where I can go so I can be anywhere else but the place I currently stand - in .. years.
Healthy? Probably not.
How much time in my life have I wasted just sitting, thinking?
This is why a part of me wishes that my duties could be listed explicitly in front of me, and all I have to do is follow those commands. I wouldn’t mind living as an automaton with a blank mind and emotional state, putting on a face for the world to see and putting on different masks depending on who I will be seeing.
In fact, I have probably been doing just that since .. who knows. I lost track.